we have ALL sinned & all fall short of the glory of God. my sin has been both hidden & obnoxious. let’s face it, i have a TON of material to work with.
here’s a chapter that drastically altered the course of my life……..
first off, i want you to know that you are not alone & that no matter what you’re going through, it’s all gonna work out, if you put your hope & trust in Jesus, that is. i wanna share with you some shade from my past that i have sought healing from & been forgiven of. these topics are things that many people are cool with & even celebrate under the guise of empowerment & freedom. but, i don’t share that worldview, so i’m not gonna be quiet about it to gain favor with people who only wanna hear stuff that tickles their ears. too much is at stake. i may be in the world, but i’m def not of it. and, if you belong to Jesus, then this is true for you too. going against the crowd & truth-telling, rooted in love, is how we are called to roll.
i have a ca-jillion stories & a TON of material to work with, but, for the sake of time & length, i’m gonna keep focused on how sex & abortion did not empower me or free me, as the world proclaims these things will. and, then how God stepped in to save & redeem me. cos that’s how He rolls. #wontHedoit?!
“Who redeems your life from the pit, Who crowns you (lavishly) with lovingkindness and tender mercy…psalms 107:2
the stories we have are not meant to be swept under the rug, never to be spoken of again. they are meant to be shared as proof of God’s existence & nearness. i’m not insinuating we should blast every juicy detail to anyone, anywhere, but i do think it’s worth the risk. ; i’m saying risking our reputations & being led by the Holy Spirit for wisdom in how, when & where we share certain details & with whom. although, here, i will literally will be blasting some topics that might seem like, whoa, holy heck, tm-freakin’-i, but i believe God wants me to share this “dirt”. and, i believe a lot of girls need to hear this. if it helps only one girl, then it’s so worth it.
it’s critical to shake off anything that may be holding you back from telling people about Jesus & the personal way He has rescued you! it’s critical that we take it seriously & broadcast His wonders throughout the world! our stories are opportunities to preach the gospel to a world that desperately needs Jesus. keeping this good news on the down-low is not a good plan.
alright, so this chapter, opens when i was a very broken teenager, who was searching for love in all the wrong places. i did not know my worth & value & was deeply affected by the affair my dad had & the way things were handled in my family. oh, the absolute embarrassment & shame of it all. it wrecked me to my core. i let it define me & i became a victim to all the trauma. i tried to hide how bad things were by covering the truth with lies. being so distraught, hurt & angry, i decided to just check-out, literally flip everyone off & to do my own thang. whatever the risk.
during this time, i had a boyfriend, who was my 1st love & my self-proclaimed “everything.” yeah, i had literally elevated him to the highest place in my life & drew strength from him, as if he were God. i literally worshipped him & gave him not only my heart, but my body, through incessant make-out sessions, & eventually, my virginity too.
i made my boyfriend “my everything” & gave him intimate access to me, in a way that i was not prepared for. whatever momentary & fleeting sexual pleasure gave way, the emotional & spiritual devastation nearly cost me everything. my love for him turned into lust. and, lust is never satisfied. i constantly wanted to be with him, but it was never enough. neither him nor the sex, ever filled the void i had. the void that only God could fill.
i was constantly insecure & jealous of every single female in his life. i constantly felt like i was never good enough & that i would never ever measure up, no matter what i did. i clung to him & made demands of him & expected him to take care of me. to impossibly meet all my needs; to be, “my everything”.
pre-marital sex was the icing on the cake that spoiled it all & turned me into an absolute psycho.
fueling my decision to have sex with him, was years in the making. the culture around me made no mention of the sacredness of sex, aside from the basic christian stance that elevated virginity up to being the golden standard a good christian girl should adhere to & wait to give up until marriage. and, don’t get me wrong, virginity is very important & should be cherished & protected–absolutely!! but, so is purity. i was a virgin for a long time, but i was living an impure lifestyle in my mind, heart & actions.
i went as far as i could go with him, knowing it was wrong, but letting that all slide because not only did i not understand my worth & value, i had awakened & aroused something within me that should have been left alone until the time was right, within the safety & confines of marriage.
i normalized impurity & filled my mind with its various forms: sexualized tv shows, novels, cosmo, teen, vogue & etc magazines. they all boasted, flaunted & promoted sex in ways that seemed so enviable, desirous & carefree. especially with all the birth control options easily obtained from planned parenthood, it made having sex seem so safe. but those cool & sexy promises were not the results i experienced. my sexual sin produced lust & feelings of being less than. i was ashamed & didn’t like myself. i was often mad at him, even though i wanted to be with him. i had fed into a false worldly narrative that glorifies sex before marriage.
i was in bondage. i wasn’t free. i was bound to him in an ungodly soul-tie that would take years to break free from. i constantly felt powerless. i knew God wanted me to break up with him, but i was unwilling. i wanted to remain in his tangible love with his literal arms to wrap themselves around me. i just wanted someone to love me & that someone was my boyfriend.
i wanted my boyfriend’s love more than i wanted God’s love. i loved my boyfriend more than i loved God. and, that is the ultimate reason my life was so jacked up.
i traded the truth of God for a lie. i worshipped & served the things God made rather than the God who made all things…..(see romans 1:25)
yet, GOD was with me this whole time, trying to get my attention. speaking to me, wooing me & calling me out of darkness.
nevertheless, i persisted to resist Him & continued to do things my way. i purposed in my heart to take advantage of the grace of God–which, was a horrible idea, btw. please, i beg of you to learn from my mistakes.
oh, let me warn you, sisters in jerusalem, don’t excite love, don’t stir it up, until the time is right–& you’re ready. (song of songs 8:3-4)
and, then in march of 2001, all hell broke loose. i found out i was pregnant at the age of 21. my boyfriend didn’t want me to have our baby & immediately told me to abort. i was devastated & knew our relationship wouldn’t last. i couldn’t believe his betrayal. i felt like such an idiot for being with him. for giving him my whole self. i decided that if he didn’t want to be a dad, that meant he didn’t want to be with me either. i didn’t want to force him to be connected to me, so i chose to “cut ties” with him & abort our baby. his rejection was too much; he had shown me that he didn’t care. and, because i didn’t value or believe in myself, i just gave up. i checked out & wanted everything to be over. i didn’t believe i could be a mom.
i have never felt such fear, dread & terror. i also thought i had given our baby fetal alcohol syndrome as i had taken up abusing weed & alcohol every day prior. i believed i would be the absolute worst mother ever. all of my reasons to abort were rooted in fear, lies & rejection. i was not focused on hope–i was focused on death.
i got a medical coupon from dshs for $450 & on march 8th, 2001, while lying on my back, crying & holding my boyfriend’s hand, i aborted our 7-8 week old baby at a planned parenthood. i even saw the heartbeat & that didn’t convince me to stop. my mom told me she would help me, but i lied & said i wasn’t pregnant–even her support didn’t stop me.
what i did was wrong. yes, i had “reasons”. yes, it was not a “convenient” time in my life & etc. however, my reasons, did not justify aborting my in-womb baby. i do regret my abortion. i am so sorry for what i did. i am so thankful God never wastes anything & can work even the worst things i have done into something good, for those who love Him & are called according to His purposes. (romans 8:28)
the next 2.5 years were filled with ruthless self-hatred that manifested in hardcore drug addiction, reckless living & even incarceration. so, yah, i guess i’ve got some street cred, yo.
in the winter of 2003, God performed open heart surgery on me & i received His love & forgiveness. i forgave myself & repented. like, i changed my mind & let go of all the things i had been holding onto; all the things i had elevated. God set me free from years of self-hatred & bondage. He gave me new heart, a fresh start & new identity in Christ. i didn’t earn this; i didn’t deserve this. it all came as a sheer gift, received by grace through faith, in the Messiah, Jesus Christ. this is the gospel! this is the good news! Jesus paid the price for my sins with His blood! this was evidence of His love!
this is love: not that we loved God, but that He loved us & sent His Son as a sacrifice to take away our sins! (1 john 4:10)
like the prodigal’s dad, in luke 15, God was scanning the horizon, waiting for just one glimpse of my return home. i had squandered everything at the age of 24. my life was in shambles. i opened my bible in a jail cell & landed on isaiah 1:18, which was a confrontation about my abortion. He said, “come, let us reason together. though your sins are like scarlet, i’m gonna make them white as snow. if you’re willing & obedient, you’ll eat the good of the land, but if you refuse & rebel, you’ll be devoured by the sword.” i know the last part sounds super intense, but i was straight shook. i was so used to hiding, numbing & avoiding this painful topic of my abortion that it blew me away He wanted to converse about it. i understood His point. His heart was for me. it made absolute sense. loud & clear. He was letting me know that if i continued on the dark path i was on, it would obviously not be good. my choices would result in death.
God is Love & Love tells the truth. and, i had literally never felt SO fully known, seen & loved. like, ever. in a freakin’ jail cell. with my cute state-issued orange jumpsuit on, won’t He do it?! this encounter with the Living God, Who was & is & is to come, changed my life forever.
all those years of holding onto shame & beating myself up, were done. the finished work at the cross made this punishing routine i was in, over. Jesus paid the price for my sin & He restored my purity! He placed value upon me & told me i was His. i fell in love with Him & now i literally believe every single thing He says. He set me free! and, i’m not the old sarah i used to be!
thank You, God, for redeeming me!
and, now, i depend on Him. He is my Source of Strength. i rely on Him–He is my real Everything.
He’s washed me clean & He’s set me free. He helps me walk in His liberty!
if you’re reading this & can relate, i hope you know, you are not too far gone. our stories may differ, but God does not. He is faithful & constant; He is the same, yesterday, today & forever. He loves you. He wants to right every wrong in your life-by washing you white as snow with the blood of Jesus. He wants to set you free, restore your your purity & value. you are not overlooked or forgotten. you are not defined by the things that have happened to you, or the things you have done. you are not smeared. you are not ruined. He never wastes anything! He is for you, not against you. you are precious to Him, no matter what has happened. i pray this over you, in the mighty name of Jesus, amen!!
thank you so much for reading this! please reach out anytime! follow me on instagram; i get messages better there, for now!
LOVE,
sarah
sources / this redeemed shirt & gold necklace are from an amazing non-profit company that my dear friends founded & own, called hopeoutfitters. they are currently giving away 100% of their proceeds to prolife ministries. so, please check them out & support them as they partner with God & place value upon women & in defending the lives of the most vulnerable: the unborn, in-womb babies.
